Welcome to the USA

I arrived in the USA, after an hour's delay and ten hours of flight, and six Neanderthals in blue Customs uniforms stopped me. I thought they just wanted to flex their muscles or show off their huge guns, but, no, they requested to search me.

A team of two put on latex gloves. "Oh no," I thought, "I hope I don't get the dreaded cavity search."

Fortunately, they didn't strip me but they went through every cubic millimeter of my luggage. "I have some Japanese candy that you might think odd," I confessed immediately. Luckily they did not confiscate the Kamu Kamu. They were more interested in my seaweed.

At first I was sheepish; nobody likes getting searched by Cro Magnons with large 45 caliber weapons strapped to their hips. They kept asking nosy questions about my family and my job and I told them I am a teacher. "Do you teach in English?" asked the nicer of the two.

"Yes, I teach mathematics in English."

"Can your students understand you?" he continued.

Now that he was going through my underwear and insulting my students, I became a little sassy:

"Yes, I have good students who speak English well, not like the students I had in the States."

"Oh," he continued, "different cultures, huh?"

"Totally different," I said, "for example, my students in Thailand respect their teachers and do their homework."

OK, so I lied a little, but I was getting angry. "Can I ask why I'm getting The Treatment?"

"Random search!" barked the meaner one, but the nicer one explained, "when we see Thailand, you're more likely to get the Random search because Thailand is a source."

"A source?" I asked, "a source of what, drugs?"

"All kinds of stuff."

Suddenly he threw up his hands and stepped back as if he had found something radiactive. He had touched one of my math books.

"Would you like to learn some differential equations?" I asked.

"No, no, no, I stay away from that stuff."

By now he was scrolling through the 400 pictures on my digital camera, looking at my family and holiday shots, which I thought was a bit invasive. "What are you looking for?" I asked.

"Anything unusual," they said, as they looked at picture after picture of my wife.

After 30 minutes, I was finally released, and greeted by my sister Pas and my nephew Daniel. "I thought you missed the plane!" shouted Pas. When we got home, I tried to show them my photos but the camera batteries were dead.